Here be dragons.

taliaitscoldoutside:

thecsph:

(CNN) — My daughter occasionally goes on a hugging and kissing strike.

She’s 4. Her parents could get a hug or a kiss, but many people who know her cannot, at least right now. And I won’t make her.

“I would like you to hug Grandma, but I won’t make you do it,” I told her recently.

“I don’t have to?” she asked, cuddling up to me at bedtime, confirming the facts to be sure.

No, she doesn’t have to. And just to be clear, there is no passive-aggressive, conditional, manipulative nonsense behind my statement. I mean what I say. She doesn’t have to hug or kiss anyone just because I say so, not even me. I will not override my own child’s currently strong instincts to back off from touching someone who she chooses not to touch.

I figure her body is actually hers, not mine.

It doesn’t belong to her parents, preschool teacher, dance teacher or soccer coach. While she must treat people with respect, she doesn’t have to offer physical affection to please them. And the earlier she learns ownership of herself and responsibility for her body, the better for her.

[…]

Would you want your daughter to have sex with her boyfriend simply to make him happy? Parents who justify ordering their children to kiss grandma might say, “It’s different.”

No, it’s not, according to author Jennifer Lehr, who blogs about her parenting style. Ordering children to kiss or hug an adult they don’t want to touch teaches them to use their body to please you or someone else in authority or, really, anyone.

“The message a child gets is that not only is another person’s emotional state their responsibility but that they must also sacrifice their own bodies to buoy another’s ego or satisfy their desire for love or affection,” said Lehr.

“Certainly no parent would wish for their teenager or adult child to feel pressure to reciprocate unwanted sexual advances, yet many teach their children at a young age that it’s their job to use their bodies to make others happy,” she said.

[More at the source.]

Lessons about sex and sexuality start at a very young age. Great read & ideas for how to teach your children to grow up positively.

YES. YES. And fucking YES.
This is the reason I never hug my preschoolers without them initiating it (or I will ask if they want a hug when they are sad).
This is why I let my nephew initiate all our hugs.
I despise when anyone tells a child to hug someone when they do not want to.
“Give affection to these people you don’t know that well, even if it’s someone you’re related to! You must hug them!”
It is not their responsibility to give anyone affection in order to act like a family, be polite, or comfort them, never. Not if they don’t feel like it.

This is so important. Even in my 20s, I struggle with having the confidence to decline physical contact with people and I think it’s directly related to not having an internalized sense ownership over my own body. It wasn’t until I reached adulthood that I even felt empowered enough to decline non-sexual touch. I felt obligated to endure unwanted embraces because I didn’t want to appear ‘rude’ or ‘cold’ or hurt anyone’s feelings.

(via rematiration)